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R2-D2 and C-3PO in 3D? Please midi-chlorians, say it isn’t so.

September 29, 2010
Jar Jar Binks, a Gungan

Image via Wikipedia

Hey film industry, stop screwing around with great movies just to make a buck!!!!

The Hollywood Reporter has broken the news that the Star Wars saga is going to be remade in 3D. Oh, come on! The 1977-1983 movies (Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi) were nearly perfect pieces of cinema. Only the Ewoks killed the perfection streak. When George Lucas and ILM updated the movies in 1997, adding some additional footage and updating some CGI, the additions were welcome, but nothing to really go ga-ga about, unless you were a fan boy.

The prequels? Don’t lie, before we were abused with Jar-Jar Binks, the invention of the midi-chlorians, the annoying little Anakin, Hayden Christiansen and the awful love story dialogue between adult Anakin and Amidala, you know you were all looking forward to the back story of episodes I, II and III. And should they ever make episodes VII, VIII and IX, you’ll want to see those, too.

But for the love of The Force, why do you have to screw with things again George? Leave it alone. Just leave it alone. There’s no reason to thrust 3-D on top of all those other abominations.

And here’s the thing about 3-D: it really sucks unless you shoot natively in it. Movies shot in 2-D and recreated in 3-D just look second-rate. At least at this point in the technology cycle. Do you know why Avatar looks so good? Because James Cameron spent 10 years perfecting the technology. So unless George and the geniuses at Industrial Light & Magic have figured out a way to perfect the 2-D to 3-D process, it’s going to look mediocre. Yeah, it’ll be cool when lasers cannons are being fired towards you or when Darth Sidious is chucking senatorial people movers past Yoda’s head and into your lap.

However, you’re going to leave the movie theater saying, “Eh, that was ok, but no big deal.” And here’s why: the story will still be the same, as will the characters and the basic effects. But you’ll have spent another $20 to see it, and if you’re old enough, that’s on top of the $10 you spent in 1997 and the $5 you spent in 1977, to see the same story three times.

This also signals a terrible “evolution” for Hollywood remaking classics. I would have thought the train wreck of colorizing black & white movie classics foisted on us by Ted Turner in the 1980’s would have killed this idea. But apparently no. So 3-D will be this decade’s colorization. Well be prepared to see 12 Angry Men, Tora! Tora! Tora!, White Christmas, The Apartment, E.T., Blade Runner, Indiana Jones, Weird Science, The Legend of Bagger Vance, and Juno all in 3D. Ok, maybe just Blade Runner and Indiana Jones. You Twihards and Potter fans better be prepared too, 3-D will get all of us if Star Wars in 3-D is even a moderate success.

[P.S.: I have the pleasure of working with some of today’s cutting edge scientists, researchers and artists in area of computer graphics and movies. Should any of these people read this rant, please accept my apologies if I come down hard on a project you’re currently forced to work on.]

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Erin Hensh permalink
    October 3, 2010 1:03 PM

    The only part of that blog that I understood was the Twilight reference- I haven’t even seen most of the Star Wars movies-but they better not mess with my Twilight!

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